Sorella Nordlin has still been sick this past week. We haven't been able to go out, and have gone to see a doctor again. We have some new medication that we are trying and hope that she will have the energy needed to go out this next week. But it's all in God's timing. Now when she is sick, what does that leave me to do? Well, I fill my day with cleaning and cooking in the kitchen, keeping in touch with our people, helping Sorella Nordlin in what ways I can, and then I study and ponder for the rest of the time. Soo, that being said, I don't have events to really report on this week, but rather I would like to dedicate this email to things I've learned.
I guess the first thing is my understanding of prayer has changed. Sometimes the days pass real slowly and I feel lonely. There aren't any other missionaries in our city, and the senior couple live a good bit away. But I can tell you, my relationship with Heavenly Father has grown so much. I have received so much personal revelation, and seen too many tender mercies to count. One of my favorite scriptures is Jacob 4:7 which reads;
"Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by His grace and His great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things."
I'm sorry if I have already shared this scripture in the past with you all, but it has kind of been my theme of the past two weeks. I think one of the kindest things God ever did for us, other than the sacrifice of His beloved Son, is that He gave us weakness. I hate weakness, I hate feeling like I failed or that I am not capable of something. But through my weaknesses, I find that God is with me. When I do something big, I know that I didn't do it alone. I know that there was someone else pushing me and giving me more than I could have given on my own. My weaknesses let me know that I am not alone. If I were perfect at everything, I would think that my power source was myself. There would be a whole lot more pressure to continue doing well, failure becomes pretty devastating.. I'm less likely to take growing opportunities because I'm more afraid of falling short. But when I realize where my power is coming from, I realize I'm not on my own. I realize that when I fall, that's okay because I'm not living for man, I'm living for God and He loves me in my imperfections. And He helps me overcome them.
But as I've gone through out this week, I have had to learn how to develop a real relationship with my Savior. I had no one else to talk to, just Him. And I learned how to more fully communicate with him. My prayers were deepened, and my ability to feel the Spirit was enhanced. My studies were guided, and all these things I have been trying to understand started to click together. And I don't think it was a coincidence. One of the talks that I have listened to in my studies is one from an Elder Holland CES Devotional. He talked about when the Prophet Joseph Smith was at Liberty Jail. He explained the hardships they went through, the torment they had to undergo. After describing all these heart wrenching difficulties, he expounds on what he calls the "prison temple." It wasn't a temple like our real dedicated temples. It was without comfort, beauty and peace. But still he says that this place was a kind of temple. We can receive holy and sacred experiences wherever we are if we are seeking it and when we have to. In the darkest, most miserable times of our lives, we can receive special instruction. That is what happened to Joseph. And to a much smaller, less extreme extent, that is what I believe happened to me these past couple weeks. Just a little taste. But I have had a mind much clearer to the things that I need to do and understand. And I have been strengthened in my weakness. I struggle with the language, but because of Sorella Nordlin's sickness, I have had to do almost all the communications on my own. There were so many times I felt inadequate because my medical Italian is next to nothing, yet here I was trying to explain and catch all these people and sometimes doctors up to date. However, I was given extra strength. I was able to find ways to explain things, and ways to communicate well enough for the message to be understood. I was sooo far from perfect, but God gave me just enough to do what I needed to.
Now, I wanted to share one of my enlightening moments that happened this week. There were many, but this was one of my "ah-hah" moments. I recently have been trying to understand what Humility means. So often the world confuses Humility with Self-confidence. They think that if you think less of yourself, you must be humble. I have been trying to pin this down for quite a while, and it clicked this week. Come già sapete, humility isn't thinking less of yourself it's thinking about yourself less. So Pride and Humility are gauges of where you attribute your power. Humility is recognizing your power comes from God, and Pride is saying your power comes from man, or yourself. Self Confidence is just a measure of how much trust you have in that power. And as I was pondering this, wondering what it meant, I came up with a little quadrant, diciamo. Bear with me as I explain to y'all my thoughts. Pride and Humility are your X-Axis, and Self Confidence is the Y-axis. I will include a photo of what I wrote. But for me, there were four big phases, and they were in alignment with the pride cycle from the Book of Mormon.
But let's start in the top left quadrant, coordinates (-1, 1) where you are sitting on high pride, high self-confidence. This is where you are seeing success and attribute that to your own abilities. You compare yourself to others and see that you are doing alright for yourself. You have the positive in your self confidence, but you're in the negative one where your power comes from. That makes falling so much harder to handle. Just that much more painful because you are relying on your own abilities. Man will see your shortcomings. And when you do fall, because you will eventually, you end up in the bottom left quadrant. High pride, and low self confidence (-1, -1) It's not a fun place to be. You just feel inadequate and don't see the hand of God in your life. And the trust you have in yourself is next to none. I have personally found, when I am in this phase, I just feel miserable and very critical. That is I feel critical of both myself and of other people. But, if I am willing to start to humble myself, I am able to move to the bottom right quadrant. Humility and low self confidence. (1, -1) I can start to attribute my power to God. I may not have a lot of confidence, but I can to [our] strength, [we are] weak; therefore [we] will not boast of [ourselves], but will boast of [our] God, for in His strength [we] can do all things." All we need to do in this phase is do the things that God has asked us to do. Follow the commandments, pray and read the scriptures, and go to church. As we practice our little passes of faith, our ability to trust in Him will grow. We will recognize what we are capable of - IF we are looking to our Savior, not to those around us. And this will eventually lead us to the top right quadrant, or Humility and high self confidence (1, 1). This is where I would put our Savior, because of the trust He had. He was willing to be bold and honest because He knew from whom he received power. It didn't matter what man thought, because He knew what God thought. I would also put the prophet and the apostles in this quadrant. They are able to find so much strength in the Lord, and they have trust in it. When I am in this quadrant, I know that my ability to do God's work is sooo much higher. It's because He can give me the "power to do these things." But of course, when you see all this success it's easy to slip back into attributing it all to your own abilities. Which is why we have to remain to aware that it is from God, and not us.
Haha this probably isn't new to most of you, but to me it gave a little extra clarity to it all. I knew the pride cycle, but I hadn't understood how self confidence played into it. And this is what I feel like God helped me recognize. My hope is it might help someone else understand it maybe a little more clearly too. Haha and so, this whole week I have been trying to honestly gauge where I'm at, and what I need to do to make it to the high Humility and trust stage. And when you are looking for ways to improve, God points them out to you.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I can testify that this is the truth. I know with my whole heart that we are given our weakness to make us stronger. He gave us our weakness because He loves us and wants to help us turn to Him. He wants us to have faith in HIS power. And when we do, He will make us something that we could have never become on our own. He can make the seeming insurmountable become something we're capable of climbing. Sometimes he answers our prayers by just taking away our trial, but more often than not, He strengthens you that you can bear up your burdens with ease, that you can submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. God is a God of growth, and when you have the courage to humble yourself and submit yourself to Him, that is when He is able to strengthen you.
I know God is strengthening me right now. I see His help as I accomplish the little things I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I know, if He is not already doing the same for you, that He is willing to. My invite to you is to ask yourself what you can do to maybe more fully give yourself to Him. And you will see Him picking you up and making you a force for good in this world.
I love you all so much and am so grateful for the support you all give me as I try to serve the Lord and His people here in Italy.
I hope you feel my love, and His love for you throughout this week.
Sorella Thorup
Pics:
My little pride axis
Banana Bread I made this week
My new Orange dress 👌🏼#mirrorselfienotashamed
A pretty sunset I saw from my study room
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